Review: Chopsticks

Preface:

So as an experienced chopsticks user for more than 18 years, let me just educate you all on this god-given single pronged double sticks stabber of the heavens tool that have blessed the culinary utensil world for years. From wood to metal, from large to small, this average kitchen utensil has showcased its abilities far more than once to become the alpha tool that dominates weak-ass instruments like the fork or spoon. But I digress, let’s put this through a few tests to evaluate how the chopsticks deserve the golden medal for most kick-ass invention.

The Design Test:

la-fg-china-chopsticks-snap
Also known as: “Hey I can impress all my other friends who can’t use it” tool.

So simple, so sleek, so new. Now introducing, the Chopsticks s10 C mini iPad 4.6 DX now with a quad-core processor and nVidia Graphics. Look, it’s just so simple, it’s literally two wooden sticks together that fit into your hand. Some dude in China probably caught a fish thousands of years ago and was like, “Shit, how do I eat this? Why don’t I just take two carved tree branches and make do?”

And it worked.

There’s no one-stick three-pronged bullshit happening, nothing too complex, just something used to be able to grab actually anything in the entire food world with enough willpower and finger strength. Meanwhile over at Easy Street, we got people inventing things to streamline picking up food with ease.

fork1.jpg
GET THAT SHIT OUT OF HERE.

Rate: 8/10.

 

The Utility Test:

So what can the chopstick do you may ask? Literally anything that isn’t soup. Want to pick up that piece of meat? Chopsticks. Want to eat rice? Chopsticks. Murder? Chopsticks. Leave a crime scene with no evidence of the murder weapon? Chopsticks. Eat sushi? Chopsticks. Usage of chopsticks, depending on how terrible your abilities are for picking things up, can boil down to, “Can I stab it?” If yes, you can stab it and enjoy the food. If no, you can pick it up using chopsticks. If you can pick it up whether you can stab it or not, more power to you.

“BUT WUT ABERT SOOP?”

TIP THE BOWL INTO YOUR MOUTH TO DRINK IT UGH.*

*I’m not angry just passionate, this review was meant for casual use.
spoon-05
HEY. BACK OFF. YOU’RE EASY MODE.

Here’s the thing, chopsticks are so universally heralded as the every-tool,  but the skill-curve for using them is so steep. We mitigated this problem by literally inventing the scoopy spoony and the stabby forky. You like graphs? Here’s a graph for Happiness Over Time.

happinessxtime
Data pulled from reputable sources.

Notice how as the skill curve goes up, so does happiness. Surely you can’t doubt numbers and scientists, right? Did you know that 120% of all people use 25.4% of chopsticks in 70% of the world? Scientists HATE this new tool! I sound incredibly smart, right? Well that’s because I’m right.

Rate: 9/10.

Ease of Usage Test:

Forks: “Mmmm, stabbing food and putting it into my mouth has never been easier!”

Spoons: “Scooping soups has never been easier!”

Chopsticks: “Goddammit fuck shit I almost go– DAMMIT ok let’s try again why don’t I just do this, ok, it goes on the finger here, and then FUCK IT SLIPPED. Okay we’ll try this again, you already look like a fool but you can’t look any worse, righ– SHIT I MESSED UP AGAIN. Deep breaths deep breaths just relax and apply a little pressure an– OH COOL IT SPUN. WAIT. ALL THE FOOD’S ON MY CLOTHES NOW. AAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGG–”

Rate: 1/10.

Conclusion:

Chopsticks are an ancient tool, developed along side prototypes of the spoon and fork, naturally, meant to facilitate eating things. Of course, there are easier options such as the spoon and fork which are excellent tools for getting whatever job done, especially soup, where the chopsticks’ brilliance begins to falter. Nonetheless, the reason why I find chopsticks to be so great is because it is incredibly versatile. With the fork and spoon you get to do their respective jobs excellently, while the chopstick provides its role as the jack-of-all-trades, being able to do several jobs in a mediocre fashion.

Rate: 8/10.

Annoyance Test:

“O…o…ok let’s try this aga–AHHHH” *Cries* “IT CAN’T BE THAT HARD, EVERYONE CAN USE IT, ALL I HAVE TO DO I–” *twang!* “GOOD GOD NO, IT’S ALL OVER MY SHIRT. EVERYONE IS LOOKING AT ME.”

*Sobs harder*

Rate: 10/10.

Additional Notes:

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Knife does beat chopsticks in close combat however.

Close Quarter Combat rate: 1/10 for chopsticks.

Review: Dunkirk (2017)

Preface:

So I watched this movie yesterday with my two other friends after the cinema told us that Despicable Me 3 wasn’t being shown anymore (Oh noooOOoooo, darn). So it was about 8:30 PM and I already felt tired due to my recent earth-scorching terra-forming  fight with the common cold, which is a surprising amount of factors that still made me want to see this 2 hour Christopher Nolan-christened history lesson. The film is set in war torn France predominantly on the beaches of Dunkirk focused on  Nonetheless, this was an extremely solid movie and was very well done, so here’s my thoughts on it.

Naturally, spoilers ahead.

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HA. GET IT?

 

The Music:

So music in movies are meant to evoke emotions, fill in a silence in a scene, or even create immersion. Very, very organic way to make a movie come to life. Luckily, in most Christopher Nolan movies, he teams up with ear-virginity slayer Hans Zimmer to produce a sound track that allows you to see into the fourth dimension while doing laundry if you’re listening to him. He’s great. Ha. So back to the movie, most of the soundtrack consists of very low-toned music with not much differences in pitch. That’s an amazing thing I realized, as Hans Zimmer managed to completely capture the mood. War isn’t supposed to be bouncy or even exciting in a way, but instead supposed to be reflected as somber or mournful (evident by the overall color tone of the movie, which essentially was a stark gray). However, when the music doesn’t consist of several notes played over very long intervals, it radically shifts into fitting into a situation with extremely high tension (there’s a lot of these moments). For example, at one point, the British soldiers (including a French imposter and a British singer) are trapped in a boat that was recently used for a bullet sponge by Germans with water slowly flowing into the boat as the ship gets smacked by high tide. The music suddenly changes into a set that has singular notes spaced out, but slowly the space in between them gets much shorter, reflecting a heartbeat. So in a way, this music makes you feel the paranoia and tension that the soldiers feel, evident by the fear shown by their heart pounding.

Oh, and the music definitely foreshadows some shit’s going to go down by how much it escalates in intensity. Textual representation:

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaAaaaaaAaaaaaAaaAaaAaaAaaAaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Rate: 9/10

The Acting:

One Direction Performs On ABC's "Good Morning America"
This is Harry Styles. His acting looks good, his hair looks like he’s ready to wear something with huge shoulder pads to go to a Reagan rally.

The acting was pretty solid, seeing grown men shell-shocked and watching soldiers turn on their own fellow human beings really show you the horrors of war and how a ridiculous amount of stress can affect a person’s psyche. Like, war sucks, a lot, and these people knew how to show it. Another key point in the movie is that there is hardly any dialogue, but here’s the thing, there’s no fat, no sugar coating, no bullshit in the dialogue. Nearly every line said possessed some meaning or was essential in the plot, what they couldn’t fill in with words, they conveyed with actions. Oh also there’s a part where this kid gets an overdose of concussive blast to head and the soldier is SUPER messed up about it.

Rate: 8/10.

The Story:

This film was praised for its historical accuracy, and if you’re an average person living in the United States, what the hell is a Dunkirk? Well it was a very pivotal battle in France that also included a mass evacuation, which is what the film focuses on. The movie has 3 separate parts: The Mole, which is the beach all the soldiers were essentially stranded on. The Sea, where a bunch of ships are being taken over by the military to be sent to help evacuate the solders on The Mole, and The Air, where Bane/Mad Max is in the air shooting down German pilots who are bombing the ever-loving shit out of everything happy in this movie. The movie pretty much plays out like this: These people are stranded on a beach and it’s actually complete ass. Meanwhile, pretty much all the ships being sent there have had a trouble with being exploded, so MORE ships are being sent there, and up in the air the awesome face-changing dude from Inception is suffering from a fuel shortage and has to sacrifice some fuel to shoot down fun serial killers. Eventually, casualties were at an unprecedented low and over 300,000 men were saved, while some kid on a civilian boat suffers from head bleedy outie and Mad Max gets kidnapped after being essential in taking down a bomber that would’ve caused even MORE mayhem.

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“I left the stove on.”

Rate: 7/10

So What Went Wrong?

Overall, I really enjoyed this movie but there were some points that I couldn’t really get past.

Fuckin’ George:

Okay, so you know how before I was talking about how the Navy was Mr. Steal Your Boat? Well there was this one boat that was like, “nah” and kinda disembarked without anyone’s permission. The crew consisted of old man Dawson, a mariner, his son Peter, and his son’s playmate, George, who’s whole shtick was that he wanted to something noteworthy. Keep that in mind. The only noteworthy thing he really did was load supplies onto the boat at the beginning. Otherwise, throughout the movie, he was hardly evident or even essential to the plot. How I described it to my friend during the 15 minute ride home, “You can like, totally remove him from the movie and there’d be NO difference.” So the whole big thing surrounding him is that during a power struggle on the civilian’s boat, he becomes mind blasted and falls down the stairs, which is bad. There was blood. And it eventually lead to his death. To respect his friend’s wishes, Peter goes to a newspaper and gets George immortalized as a hero during the battle of Dunkirk.

Wait

Call me a cynical ass all you want, but I really really really REALLY disliked George’s role in this. He contributed actually nothing to the plot. Some may argue that he was a tangible representation of the horrors of war and the results of being in wartime, but that’s the thing. He wasn’t in it, at all. He wasn’t even present or alive when the boat was in ACTUAL danger. So what happened is that this kid fell down the stairs and earned a significant section in the newspaper while all the other soldiers who literally either get killed or maimed severely in the line of duty get nil. His whole presence in the movie sort of made me very frustrated.

Tom Hardly:

Drifting our attention to The Air, Tom Hardy was a pilot who in the grand scheme of all kerfuffles, gets the short end in terms of fuel, to the point where he has to benchmark how much fuel he has based on time, since the gauge broke, war is hell. Near the end of the movie you can see how insane his actions are. He sacrificed his own well being and fuel to take care of the bombers that were literally ruining EVERYTHING and relatively every dogfight in the air was intense. But therein lies the rough. My friend thinks otherwise, but I personally did not feel the intensity or even completely importance of his role until the end. Due to the camera angles and the way all of his parts were shot, it sort of just seemed that he was pretty much flying through the air pew-pewing German birdies. The way the movie portrayed it, in my opinion, just seemed like it severely downplayed his importance by a huge amount of scale when compared to, ugh, George.

Cathartic Moments:

There are two vital parts that  I think can be considered a climax. At one point, the military commander sees a bunch of ships coming towards the beach and he’s like “oh no” then he looks through his binoculars and sees that it’s a bunch of British ships, and he’s like “oh yes. :’) ” The other moment was when the beach sees for the third time in the movie, a big ol’ swasticopter glide towards them and everyone thinks it’s gonna drop the un-fun boomy boomy. But wait! TOM HARDY  saves the day by shooting it down and everyone cheers.

In history and in the movie, these were two very very essential turns in the battle, leading to a successful rescue attempt and strikingly low casualties. However, the way the scene played out, as well as how it transitioned into it just made the moment seem not that grand or amazing. If anything, it kind of makes you go “Oh, neat” instead of “OH MY GOD EVERYTHING IS OKAY BREATHE, JUST BREATHE, I WAS ON THE EDGE OF MY SEAT.” Like, for as HUGE as these events were, it just didn’t seem like it got the spotlight or attention that it really deserved.

Conclusion:

Dunkirk is a great movie with its flaws, naturally, everything isn’t perfect. Its soundtrack is very well done and highly reflective of the situation it shows, and the action in the movie was thrilling and intense. Albeit, there was a lack of showcasing the importance of some people or events, or in other cases, the highlighting of things that don’t need it. The way it was directed and produced, how the story played out and how it was constructed worked perfectly and meshed together to make a confusing, yet very coherent plot that all wraps up in the end.

Rate: 7/10.

 

The Annoyance Test:

George.

Rate: 9/10.

Review: Dogs

Preface:

I’m going to try my best to write a non-biased review on the God-given gift of balls of fluff to humans that are Dogs. The canines we know and love today are the results of hundreds of years of evolution and breeding. They are relatively smart, loyal creatures that over the years have been domesticated, leading to docile behaviors and extra mental space for cuddles. I decided to run a few reviews as a non-influenced dog-lover.

The Evolutionary Test:

“Evolution?”, you may say, “What do you mean they evolved? You mean they weren’t always balls of sunshine that come in different colors and flavors?”

Indeed so, voice in my head. You see, back then, dogs used to be humongous in size and awesome, like this:

Another reason to show that in numbers, dogs > cats.

LOOK AT THAT. THAT DOG AND HIS BUDDIES ARE HUGE. I BET THEY EAT TRUCKS FOR DESSERT AFTER THAT ENDING THAT TIGER LION DRAGON BEAR THING.

And now they’re this:

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I’m not even a fan of poodles but somewhere out there someone is getting murdered over that.

So we went from big huge scary Lupin-esque hunters of the wild to tiny easily-intimidated creatures who struggle to open a slice of cheese. As the evidence concludes, it seemed that as time and ways of domestication changed, the awesome-factor of dogs, meaning general cool-ness or actual danger, slowly digressed into more cute and tangible fluff balls. I put together a graph showcasing all my research into a highly sophisticated and easily readable manner.graph

Don’t laugh I used the little mouse pad thing on the laptop since I didn’t have a mouse at the time.

Given, the reason we have so many more small dogs today is because as humans became more sophisticated, we lacked the need for hunting dogs, so progressively, dogs became more small and docile, but this does come with downsides. For example, pugs are an interbred species, and as a result, look like they have a smushed face. This forced changed causes it to have breathing problems. However ranging from cavemen thousands of years ago to the man-cavemen of today, dogs still bypassed the evolutionary filter of changing too much and still remain one of humanity’s most loyal pet.

Rate: 6/10 cause we got some weirdos in the dog kingdom. Like the Bull Terrier. Freaks me out.

Actually, dogs have evolved to understand human laughter and to empathize, for example when someone’s crying, they comfort them.

New Rate: 7/10.

The Caretaking Test:

Dogs are literally a testament to how the bigger something is, the more it eats, and the bigger its poops are.

Overall, it’s not terrible once you get past the training phase, you just have to knock down your own personal mental barriers of picking up doo doo and dealing with dog spit like, everywhere.

Depending on the dog you get, you can get either a very docile animal, or one that bounces everywhere and will tire you our more than a car (haha. Tires.)

They do require a lot of responsibility though, you can’t really leave them home for a while or else they go insane, and unless you introduce them to people often and early on, everyone is just a new cavalcade of smells.

Rate: 7/10

The Personal Appearance Test:

“OH MY GOD YOU HAVE A DOGGY ON A LEASH CAN I PET HIM HE’S SO CUTE AND FLUFFY I JUST WANT HIS LOVE HE’S ADORABLE I’M GONNA PET HIM.”

No please don’t touch my dog with your heathen hands. This is a safety precaution because my dog has been known to devour matter, alive or not, whole. I’m actually convinced my dog’s stomach is the closest thing scientists have as a visual to what a black hole looks like. But I look pretty awesome with this dog don’t I.

Rate: 8/10.

Conclusion:

Dogs are a very high risk/high reward animal. They are very loyal to humans but are incredibly high maintenance. They eat a lot, scratch a lot and are generally very hard to take care of if they decide to be a social butterfly with other humans. That being said, they will always be there for you and after thousands of years, still remain one of man’s best friends.

Don’t leave them in cars with the windows closed on a hot day.

Rate: 9/10

Rate if you’re a cat-lover: 4/10. Cats are easy.

The Annoyance Test:

“Hey cuti– wait. What’s that in your mouth. WHAT DID YO– TAKE THAT OUT. OH GOD. IT’S STUCK IN THERE. NO DON’T SWALLOW, STOP. THAT’S A BIRD. DO YOU NOT HAVE STANDARDS. WHERE DID YOU EVEN FIND A DEAD BIRD. WHAT. EW.”

Rate: 9/10.