Review: The Octopus

Preface:

Deep within the dark murky waters of the ocean lays this terrifying 8-legged squishy sticky creature from hell. Regarded as one of the smartest marine animals, the octopus is at the top of the food chain and has genes that can adapt and make itself the slimy behemoth that it is. This review cannot be approached in a purely subjective manner, but rather one that is based on a more holistic approach: Comparing its feats to that of a human.

The Predator Test:

Octopus:

Octopi are smart, that very much is established, but they are apparently so smart that they can go to clever lengths to obtain food, evident here, where it is shown that an octopus actually taps its prey on the shoulder, startling the prey which jumps back into the octopus’ mouth.

Jesus that’s terrifying.

Just look at this guy, you can tell that he’s already planned out his day, full of murder and being creepy for people with trypophobia.

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“I am become death, destroyer of worlds.”

Rate: 7/10

Human:

Humankind has gone through great lengths for survival, creating tools, weapons, and different agrarian techniques to provide food and sustenance for themselves and family. Back then, we were badass and hunted things ten times our size by poking it hard with a stick. We were, and still are the apex predators on this blue earth

That being said, today I saw someone struggle to open a pack of cheese.

Rate: 8/10

The Adaptability Test:

Octopus:

In order to help them catch food or defend themselves from predators, octopi have developed the ability to change their skin pigments to camouflage themselves for any scenario. We can look at example of this here:

gif-octopus-color-change

Just to add to their badassery, scientists have actually discovered that octopi can even rewrite their RNA to fit their environment. Meaning that these little bastards actually rewrite their genes cause they can. As in, the entire octopus’ life is a giant “Try me, bitch.”

That’s pretty awesome.

Rate: 10/10

Humans:

People can change colors too but when they do it comes off as bitchy or fickle.

Rate: 2/10

The Self-Defense Test:

Octopus:

In any chance encounter (especially you. You stay the hell away from them), whenever the octopus is confronted with an adversary, it does the diplomatic action and attempts to murder them. However, when the “prey” seems to be more than the octopus can chew or swallow or something, it has to run away. So evident here, the octopus can shoot out a pitch blank ink substance to either blind their enemies or in some cases, even poison them.

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Gross, but in the same way, awesome.

Rate: 7/10

Humans:

We can move our hands and feet real fancy like, and sometimes take a shiny thing and poke people with other fast moving shiny things.

Rate: 6/10

Conclusion:

The octopus, if on land, would murder us all, and it’d be too gross for us to take any hands-on action about it. Truly the most deadly assassin of them all.

But overall, these aquatic Cthulus are super interesting and are capable of feats beyond any human ability. It can range from fitting into any space (as long as the “beak” of the octopus fits) to changing colors radically when it’s invited to a party all of a sudden.

They’re the top predators of the sea and like my baby cousins, they’re cute from afar but are really gross and sticky up close.

Rate: 8/10

The Annoyance Test:

They scare the absolute hell out of me.

Rate: 4/10

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