I’m going to try my best to write a non-biased review on the God-given gift of balls of fluff to humans that are Dogs. The canines we know and love today are the results of hundreds of years of evolution and breeding. They are relatively smart, loyal creatures that over the years have been domesticated, leading to docile behaviors and extra mental space for cuddles. I decided to run a few reviews as a non-influenced dog-lover.
The Evolutionary Test:
“Evolution?”, you may say, “What do you mean they evolved? You mean they weren’t always balls of sunshine that come in different colors and flavors?”
Indeed so, voice in my head. You see, back then, dogs used to be humongous in size and awesome, like this:
LOOK AT THAT. THAT DOG AND HIS BUDDIES ARE HUGE. I BET THEY EAT TRUCKS FOR DESSERT AFTER THAT ENDING THAT TIGER LION DRAGON BEAR THING.
And now they’re this:
I’m not even a fan of poodles but somewhere out there someone is getting murdered over that.
So we went from big huge scary Lupin-esque hunters of the wild to tiny easily-intimidated creatures who struggle to open a slice of cheese. As the evidence concludes, it seemed that as time and ways of domestication changed, the awesome-factor of dogs, meaning general cool-ness or actual danger, slowly digressed into more cute and tangible fluff balls. I put together a graph showcasing all my research into a highly sophisticated and easily readable manner.
Don’t laugh I used the little mouse pad thing on the laptop since I didn’t have a mouse at the time.
Given, the reason we have so many more small dogs today is because as humans became more sophisticated, we lacked the need for hunting dogs, so progressively, dogs became more small and docile, but this does come with downsides. For example, pugs are an interbred species, and as a result, look like they have a smushed face. This forced changed causes it to have breathing problems. However ranging from cavemen thousands of years ago to the man-cavemen of today, dogs still bypassed the evolutionary filter of changing too much and still remain one of humanity’s most loyal pet.
Rate: 6/10 cause we got some weirdos in the dog kingdom. Like the Bull Terrier. Freaks me out.
Actually, dogs have evolved to understand human laughter and to empathize, for example when someone’s crying, they comfort them.
New Rate: 7/10.
The Caretaking Test:
Dogs are literally a testament to how the bigger something is, the more it eats, and the bigger its poops are.
Overall, it’s not terrible once you get past the training phase, you just have to knock down your own personal mental barriers of picking up doo doo and dealing with dog spit like, everywhere.
Depending on the dog you get, you can get either a very docile animal, or one that bounces everywhere and will tire you our more than a car (haha. Tires.)
They do require a lot of responsibility though, you can’t really leave them home for a while or else they go insane, and unless you introduce them to people often and early on, everyone is just a new cavalcade of smells.
The Personal Appearance Test:
“OH MY GOD YOU HAVE A DOGGY ON A LEASH CAN I PET HIM HE’S SO CUTE AND FLUFFY I JUST WANT HIS LOVE HE’S ADORABLE I’M GONNA PET HIM.”
No please don’t touch my dog with your heathen hands. This is a safety precaution because my dog has been known to devour matter, alive or not, whole. I’m actually convinced my dog’s stomach is the closest thing scientists have as a visual to what a black hole looks like. But I look pretty awesome with this dog don’t I.
Dogs are a very high risk/high reward animal. They are very loyal to humans but are incredibly high maintenance. They eat a lot, scratch a lot and are generally very hard to take care of if they decide to be a social butterfly with other humans. That being said, they will always be there for you and after thousands of years, still remain one of man’s best friends.
Don’t leave them in cars with the windows closed on a hot day.
Rate if you’re a cat-lover: 4/10. Cats are easy.
The Annoyance Test:
“Hey cuti– wait. What’s that in your mouth. WHAT DID YO– TAKE THAT OUT. OH GOD. IT’S STUCK IN THERE. NO DON’T SWALLOW, STOP. THAT’S A BIRD. DO YOU NOT HAVE STANDARDS. WHERE DID YOU EVEN FIND A DEAD BIRD. WHAT. EW.”