Review: Five Guys


So the leading cause of death in America right now is heart disease, and heart disease has never been more delicious. This Virginia based company specializes in gourmet hamburgers, ranging from $8 to $12, depending on how disgusting you decide to live your life (Get everything on a single burger to watch your dreams and weight soar). I first had this burger in Northern New Jersey as part of an internship and it was the happiest place that I ever associated with smelling grease. That being said, the first bite I took into their succulent burger gave me chills. I sometimes like to dabble in the culinary world and decide to review these burgers in a series of some tests.

The Appearance Test:

Here’s an exclusive look at the infamous burger:


Notice how the buns are only 25% of the only sandwich? THAT’S HOW IT SHOULD BE. Look at that. They’re not providing any bullshit. They’re like, “Yeah yeah bread is bread, whatever, we know what you want.” So you end up with a burger that has two flimsy pieces of bread for buns, and a plethora of veggies and meat to make up the inside of the burger. Oh also, to the right? Fries. Cajun style. They’re small fries with a paprika and cumin seasoning. Absolutely delicious.The overall appearance though is pretty disarming. You’re quickly discouraged by how sloppily it’s all put together, and the way it is put together is blandly unoriginal. The burgers are wrapped in aluminum foil and the fries are poured into a cup, which are then placed into a soon to be near transparent brown paper bag. Overall, the appearance is far less than stellar if you’re comparing it to the more classy and colorful packaging of huge chains like McDonalds and Burger King, but of course, that’s part of it’s charm. Who needs colorful and attractive packaging if your product is amazing? This way corporate does not have to expend that much money either trying to SELL their products.

Rate: 7/10

The Taste Test:

Their burgers are nothing short of fantastic. One may argue, “IT’S JUST A SOLID BRICK OF GREASE, IT’S NOTHING GOOD OR ANYTHING.” Albeit, it’s a solid brick of delicious grease. It ma actually look gross and unappetizing, but the tastes just meld together so well. You may think, “Oh you can put every topping on there? That shouldn’t make sense.”

BUT IT WORKS. AND IT’S DELICIOUS. The meat is delicious and all the ingredients just meld so well with every other part of the burger. It kinda just makes you have a ” :O ” face as soon as you eat it. Given, all the sauces and juices from the meat, plus the condensation from the aluminum foil wrapping makes the burger soggy, but for some reason, the slight moistness still works cohesively. Every bite leaves you with an immense sense of satisfaction that just let’s you know that you’ll probably die if you consistently eat these every day. These taste delicious, but that doesn’t detract from the fact that you can also sense how you can feel how much grease and calories you’re consuming. The burger itself tastes delicious, but it’s such a heavy item that it starts to take weight in your stomach. After the meal, you just feel like shit in general, and for the next few hours, you just don’t want to look at food.


Rate: 9/10


Five Guys isn’t an establishment to be classy. It’s just one to pay $8 for a solid burger that will make it feel like a plethora of fat guys are dancing in your mouth covered in deliciousness. Then it goes straight to your heart and it pauses because it can’t comprehend all of its excitement. Reiterating, this burger looks terrible and seems to have an unsophisticated appearance, but it makes up for it in its taste and post masticating satisfaction.

After writing this all I realized that I pretty much kept restating that I really like this burger and it tastes good and will murder you in your sleep: The silent killer.

Rate: 8/10, I felt heavy afterwards.

The Annoyance Test:





*More heavy breathing*


*heart stops for a second*


*Goes for next bite.*



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