Review: The Octopus

Preface:

Deep within the dark murky waters of the ocean lays this terrifying 8-legged squishy sticky creature from hell. Regarded as one of the smartest marine animals, the octopus is at the top of the food chain and has genes that can adapt and make itself the slimy behemoth that it is. This review cannot be approached in a purely subjective manner, but rather one that is based on a more holistic approach: Comparing its feats to that of a human.

The Predator Test:

Octopus:

Octopi are smart, that very much is established, but they are apparently so smart that they can go to clever lengths to obtain food, evident here, where it is shown that an octopus actually taps its prey on the shoulder, startling the prey which jumps back into the octopus’ mouth.

Jesus that’s terrifying.

Just look at this guy, you can tell that he’s already planned out his day, full of murder and being creepy for people with trypophobia.

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“I am become death, destroyer of worlds.”

Rate: 7/10

Human:

Humankind has gone through great lengths for survival, creating tools, weapons, and different agrarian techniques to provide food and sustenance for themselves and family. Back then, we were badass and hunted things ten times our size by poking it hard with a stick. We were, and still are the apex predators on this blue earth

That being said, today I saw someone struggle to open a pack of cheese.

Rate: 8/10

The Adaptability Test:

Octopus:

In order to help them catch food or defend themselves from predators, octopi have developed the ability to change their skin pigments to camouflage themselves for any scenario. We can look at example of this here:

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Just to add to their badassery, scientists have actually discovered that octopi can even rewrite their RNA to fit their environment. Meaning that these little bastards actually rewrite their genes cause they can. As in, the entire octopus’ life is a giant “Try me, bitch.”

That’s pretty awesome.

Rate: 10/10

Humans:

People can change colors too but when they do it comes off as bitchy or fickle.

Rate: 2/10

The Self-Defense Test:

Octopus:

In any chance encounter (especially you. You stay the hell away from them), whenever the octopus is confronted with an adversary, it does the diplomatic action and attempts to murder them. However, when the “prey” seems to be more than the octopus can chew or swallow or something, it has to run away. So evident here, the octopus can shoot out a pitch blank ink substance to either blind their enemies or in some cases, even poison them.

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Gross, but in the same way, awesome.

Rate: 7/10

Humans:

We can move our hands and feet real fancy like, and sometimes take a shiny thing and poke people with other fast moving shiny things.

Rate: 6/10

Conclusion:

The octopus, if on land, would murder us all, and it’d be too gross for us to take any hands-on action about it. Truly the most deadly assassin of them all.

But overall, these aquatic Cthulus are super interesting and are capable of feats beyond any human ability. It can range from fitting into any space (as long as the “beak” of the octopus fits) to changing colors radically when it’s invited to a party all of a sudden.

They’re the top predators of the sea and like my baby cousins, they’re cute from afar but are really gross and sticky up close.

Rate: 8/10

The Annoyance Test:

They scare the absolute hell out of me.

Rate: 4/10

Review: Homeopathy

Preface:

After hours of mindless Wikipedia wandering, I came upon the topic of medical treatments, which soon lead to my discovery of Homeopathy. So what is homeopathy, you may ask? Well, pulling from Wikipedia.org, Homeopathy is a system of medical thought that “like cures like”, or essentially, something that makes people sick can cure people. You can already tell that this is going to be completely ridiculous by the fact that Homeopathy is labeled as an “alternative science” and was created by this guy:

Samuel Hahnemann.

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Don’t take advice from a guy with toilet brushes for hair.

The Principle:

There is one main principle in Homeopathy, named Succession, or Dynamization to others.

What is Succession? Succession is when you make a substance’s effects much more potent by diluting it with distilled alcohol or water, and then shaking it.

What.

The Test:

Before I get into the sorts of tests that Hahnemanana got into, I wanted to explain that for all of these, since I am a very tired college man-child, I used coffee as a test to wake me up. For consistency, I recorded these results in a journal.

7:30 AM: 

Just brewed the coffee, water next to me, thermos present for maximum shakage.

7:45 AM:

The coffee has been sitting for a while, just put in water and then poured into the thermos.

7:46 AM- 7:47 AM:

Shook coffee thermos. Ready for consumption.

7:50 AM:

This tastes gross.

8:30 AM:

No effects evident, still tired.

9:00 AM:

I am an empty shell of a man, hollow, desperate.

10:00 AM:

I guess I don’t feel as tiiiiredd?

The Results:

I don’t even like Coffee. Everything sucks. I’m tired. I want to nap. I’m also hungry, I think I have brownies in the pantry.

I HAD THINGS TO DO THAT DAY. REAL YOU-HAVE-TO-BE-AWAKE THINGS.

Rate: 2/10

The Conclusion

Understandably, this pseudo-science was ridiculed and nodded off as some abnormal yet ineffective treatment back in the 19th century. It was known for its ineffectiveness, and as demonstrated as the same day as my test, it doesn’t make sense.

I am sure there are some dedicated believers to this form of medicine, but logistically, all the odds are stacked up against it. How can diluting (literally meaning to lessen in effect) a substance make it stronger? In the same vein, how does shaking something make it more powerful? After all, Mr. Samuel Hahnemananananannanana eventually tried these experiments and could not replicate results, making this study seem relatively moot.

Also he eventually moved onto Allopathy after the “success” of this science, really shows how much people were into the whole thing.

I may come off as a cynic, but it’s only because I care

Heart emoji.

Rate: 2/10

 

Side/Annoyance test:

I threw water at my friend and shook him violently. He woke up.

Rate: 10/10

Review: Albanese Gummy Worms (5 lbs)

Preface:

Being the disgusting broke college student  I am, I decided to indulge myself by purchasing food from Amazon, the true retailer for college kids. However, this was finals week, and there was no time or effort that can be wasted. Naturally, I needed something sugary as well as relatively cheap to keep me going through all the papers and textbooks that waded up to my neck. After a good ten minutes of procrastinating and not doing school things, I landed upon these. $12 for gummy worms (in assorted colors!) in a form of measurement that can be described as unnecessary seemed like a perfect run for my money. In a swift and sad act of desperation, I ordered these little wiggling buddies to my college to munch on. To evaluate the true worth of these gummy worms to me personally, I put this gargantuan fruity product through several tests.

The Packaging Test:

After waiting about 3 days, I got an email from my college’s post office saying that my sweet little wormlets were currently sitting in the storage, ready to be picked up. I waddled over to the post office and picked the package up with haste and quickly head back to my room to gaze upon this sugary mass. The outer layer of plastic separating my tangible joy was sturdy and could surely take a beating, judging from the 2 foot fall it took after I let it go above my desk. Taking note of its massive size, the packaging of the worms is exactly how Amazon pictured it. (Picture from Amazon.com)81g9fnO0GWL._SX522_

Yeah, that’s it. No fancy logo. No fancy branding. No other colors besides the worms. They cut all the fat out of packaging. (AHAHAHAHAHAHA GET IT CAUSE THE WORMS ARE FAT-FREE???)  They know what you want. They know that you don’t care about packaging. You just want what’s inside, and they’re damn right. Immediately, without even looking at the plastic shield protecting me from my prey, I grabbed the nearest pair of scissors and ripped it open.

All the worms were nicely compact and yet still in prime condition, beating all odds against the hot summer weather. These worms were soldiers, and they weren’t going down easy. There was no conglomerate of gummies and each wormo was still perfectly malleable and ready for consumption. Overall, packaging is A-OK.

Rate: 7/10

Taste Test:

As stated before, the gummies came in top condition, but to make sure they were prepared for only the finest paper plates, I placed the entire package in my refrigerator for an hour. One seemingly immeasurable eternity later, I pulled this behemoth of a bag out of my mini-fridge and placed a single specimen on my fine paperware, a red-green sacrifice. It was soft to the touch. It was cold, hard, yet gently. It was almost alive. The suffocating heat of my room prepared me for this moment as I placed the gummy worm in my mouth. Accents of cherries and lime-esque sugar perused my mouth to form the perfect feeling that would make someone on a diet go, “Oooh, I’m so bad.” This delectable treat can only be taken in moderation though, because once you go past that breaking point, the only thought in your head is, “Oh god I’m a terrible human being why do I do this to myself,” leading to internal crying, or constipation, one or the other. However, you’ll forget all about it the next day when you’re craving gummy worms once again. There’s plenty of different flavors ranging from strawberry to blue flavor present for all of the people who will see the bag and try to mooch off of you.

Honestly, for a snack? Not bad.

Rate: 8/10

Annoyance Test:

I tossed it at my roommate. He was annoyed. Then he ate it.

Rate: 10/10

Conclusion:

For an abundant amount of gummy worms on a relatively tiny budget, this product gives a pretty good sense of worth to it. The worms taste decent, mediocre enough to make you sick of them, but good enough to come back to. It’s evident this is packaged for wholesale and for an entire party, but you know you can eat all of them. I highly recommend refrigerating them for an even heightened experience.
Plus, these would make awesome gifts.

Overall Rate: 7/10