Update for Posting Schedule

Howdy ya’ll! I’m going to have to move my update schedule from Monday to Tuesday because that’s when i have the least classes. After all, I am a simple college kid WHO APPARENTLY HAS TO HAVE 4 CLASSES ON ONE DAY THIS IS COOL AND ALL WHATEVER IT’S NOT LIKE THAT ONE TiME WHERE I GOT INTO A LONG SCHEDULE AND THE FIRST CLASS I REALIZED MY LAPTOP CRAPPED OUT AND I HAD TO ENDURE MY TEACHER WITH AN ACCENT SO THICK THAT YOU CAN CUT IT WITH A KNIFE AND HONESTLY THE COURSE MATERIAL IS LIKE, OKAY AND ALL, BUT IT’S PRETTY TAXING ONCE THE FIRST HOUR PASSES AND I SWEAR THAT I WAN

 

Thank you for your time.

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Review: Five Guys

Preface:

So the leading cause of death in America right now is heart disease, and heart disease has never been more delicious. This Virginia based company specializes in gourmet hamburgers, ranging from $8 to $12, depending on how disgusting you decide to live your life (Get everything on a single burger to watch your dreams and weight soar). I first had this burger in Northern New Jersey as part of an internship and it was the happiest place that I ever associated with smelling grease. That being said, the first bite I took into their succulent burger gave me chills. I sometimes like to dabble in the culinary world and decide to review these burgers in a series of some tests.

The Appearance Test:

Here’s an exclusive look at the infamous burger:

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Notice how the buns are only 25% of the only sandwich? THAT’S HOW IT SHOULD BE. Look at that. They’re not providing any bullshit. They’re like, “Yeah yeah bread is bread, whatever, we know what you want.” So you end up with a burger that has two flimsy pieces of bread for buns, and a plethora of veggies and meat to make up the inside of the burger. Oh also, to the right? Fries. Cajun style. They’re small fries with a paprika and cumin seasoning. Absolutely delicious.The overall appearance though is pretty disarming. You’re quickly discouraged by how sloppily it’s all put together, and the way it is put together is blandly unoriginal. The burgers are wrapped in aluminum foil and the fries are poured into a cup, which are then placed into a soon to be near transparent brown paper bag. Overall, the appearance is far less than stellar if you’re comparing it to the more classy and colorful packaging of huge chains like McDonalds and Burger King, but of course, that’s part of it’s charm. Who needs colorful and attractive packaging if your product is amazing? This way corporate does not have to expend that much money either trying to SELL their products.

Rate: 7/10

The Taste Test:

Their burgers are nothing short of fantastic. One may argue, “IT’S JUST A SOLID BRICK OF GREASE, IT’S NOTHING GOOD OR ANYTHING.” Albeit, it’s a solid brick of delicious grease. It ma actually look gross and unappetizing, but the tastes just meld together so well. You may think, “Oh you can put every topping on there? That shouldn’t make sense.”

BUT IT WORKS. AND IT’S DELICIOUS. The meat is delicious and all the ingredients just meld so well with every other part of the burger. It kinda just makes you have a ” :O ” face as soon as you eat it. Given, all the sauces and juices from the meat, plus the condensation from the aluminum foil wrapping makes the burger soggy, but for some reason, the slight moistness still works cohesively. Every bite leaves you with an immense sense of satisfaction that just let’s you know that you’ll probably die if you consistently eat these every day. These taste delicious, but that doesn’t detract from the fact that you can also sense how you can feel how much grease and calories you’re consuming. The burger itself tastes delicious, but it’s such a heavy item that it starts to take weight in your stomach. After the meal, you just feel like shit in general, and for the next few hours, you just don’t want to look at food.

GOD I LOVE THESE BURGERS AND I WANT ONE RIGHT NOW A COLLEGE STUDENT GOTTA EAT AND I CAN’T KEEP EATING THIS DINING HALL BULLSHIT.

Rate: 9/10

Conclusion:

Five Guys isn’t an establishment to be classy. It’s just one to pay $8 for a solid burger that will make it feel like a plethora of fat guys are dancing in your mouth covered in deliciousness. Then it goes straight to your heart and it pauses because it can’t comprehend all of its excitement. Reiterating, this burger looks terrible and seems to have an unsophisticated appearance, but it makes up for it in its taste and post masticating satisfaction.

After writing this all I realized that I pretty much kept restating that I really like this burger and it tastes good and will murder you in your sleep: The silent killer.

Rate: 8/10, I felt heavy afterwards.

The Annoyance Test:

*Huff.*

*Huff.*

*Huff.*

*Huff.*

*More heavy breathing*

*HURK*

*heart stops for a second*

*Huff*

*Goes for next bite.*

 

Review: Bloodborne

Preface:

Bloodborne is a PS4 exclusive game from From Software, the creative minds behind games such as Dark Souls 1-3, as well as Demon Souls. These games are notoriously known for their extremely steep learning curve and intense difficulty. Bloodborne is of course, no exception. To put it into more relative terms, imagine baking a cake, except you need flour, which is guarded by a giant gross fleshy thing adorned with skulls. Of course, you grab your oven mitts or something and slap it, while it slaps you back. Finally, you get the flour, and through a bunch of other trials, get all the ingredients to which you return to your kitchen to bake. The cake then explodes, leaving you in a little puddle of sadness and un-fun. This game was my first time committing through a Soulsborne (The games have actually created a genre) and I found it highly rewarding, also maybe because I paid for this game with my blood soaked money. So here are some of the elements of why this is one of my personal favorite games of all time.

The Environment:

Unlike the Dark Souls games, which take place in a medieval time period, Bloodborne sets the player in a Victorian-esque Gothic setting. This is highly evident by the in game environment and art:

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The person is walking on cobblestones and there’s a bunch of pointy shit and it’s foggy and gloomy. 

The only relatively modernistic thing in this game would probably be the guns you find spread throughout the world, and even then they are extremely primitive guns, but they serve a major role, more on that later.

A classification of this game would put it into the Horror genre section of games, and rightfully so. I’m not saying this cause there’s a bunch of blood (like, a BUNCH), but the environment itself invokes a feeling of dread. Throughout the entire game, you would notice a stark lack of color, the most dominant of the palette being grey (Gray? Grey? Whatever, I live in America but I’m talking about a game based off of London). The lack of bright colors would set in a mood of gloom and doom, which the game conveys perfectly by its use of over-world paraphernalia. Surrounding you constantly with skeletons, dead bodies, corpses being burned at stake, and things such as coffins shackled by chains.

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The constant feeling of dread and danger, enemies waiting to jump at you from any corner, the opaque and mysterious fog looming over the land of Yharnem; all these factors lead to a world that only the player themselves can unravel to find out what happened to this once prosperous town.

Oh also, like the other games in the Soulsborne genre, the story is not explicit and the only way to find out is by extrapolating and looking at item descriptions that give a little snippet of lore. You’re pretty much going to go through the entire game seeing little cutscenes and going, “What. Uh, ok I guess.” You don’t even have to understand what’s happening at all and still have a good time.

Rate: 9/10

The Combat:

The Dark Souls games always had two different sorts of play styles: Go balls to the walls and blend things up, or stay safe and cower behind a shield while apparently no one in the entire universe knows how to sweep the leg. The creative director of all these series, Hidetaka Miyazaki, intended for people to play like the former. Unfortunately, everyone’s all, “BUT SHIELDS ARE FUN,” you know, totally detracting from Miyazaki’s vision of going man-mode. So he fixed it. He got rid of shields in Bloodborne and in fact, there’s actually one shield and it’s a wooden plank that has the defensive capabilities of a red target. To twist the knife, its item description, paraphrased, essentially says, “BETTER LEARN TO DODGE, KIDDO.” This change introduced the gun system, where you can fire BB pellets at an enemy mid attack-animation to stop them in their tracks so that you can go in for a devastating attack, called a Visceral Attack, which shows the hard to see fact that guns help in battle. Another change is equip load. In Dark Souls, how fast you moved and dodged was dictated by how much armor and weaponry you had on you at any given moment, while Bloodborne gets rid of the system and allows you to carry an actual cannon in your left hand and a giant scythe in your right while dodging enemy attacks faster than I can dodge bees.

Now here’s the health bar system:

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This User Interface is very well POLISHED. GET IT? AHAHHA, CAUSE KOKTAJL MOLOTOWA IS POLISH. HA.

This is the best picture I could find in the first scroll of Google Images, remember, anything after the first page is either a virus or nonexistent. You see that little white line on the red bar, with the left side being a dark red and the right being orange? When you get damaged, that little white line goes left and the orange bar slowly depletes, but if you attack and whack something, you manage to get back some of the orange bar as health, which incentivizes aggressive play. If someone hits you really hard, get back up there and punch them back to gain back vitality, applies in all situations, in real life too*.

*Disclaimer: Writer not liable for anyone who gets back up after being knocked down.

It’s a radical, but extremely welcome change to these games in my opinion, leading to intense fights and liberating moments, but also plenty of moments where you just go, “SHOULD NOT HAVE DONE THAT SHOULD NOT HAVE DONE THAT OH SHIT OH SHIT”

Rate: 8/10

The Enemies:

This section’s going to be short, but know that Miyazaki focuses a lot on the Accomplishment principle, where you feel amazing and awesome after overcoming something with all odds stacked against you. Naturally, you have enemies that hit hard and some that are incredibly huge and daunting. Nonetheless, they bleed which by law of Predator (1987), you can kill it. The enemies are designed amazingly, all following a sort of death and decay theme, either covered in skulls, rotting flesh, or gross little wing appendage thingies, giving more of a “Ew. Gross” impression rather than, “COOL!” kind of feel. I don’t want to put any of the enemies and bosses here, because that would take away from their charm and pure grandiose sense of awe to them. But I will focus on the enemies that can invoke a sense of despair within you. Introducing, the Snatcher:

Snatcher Strafe Thumb
“Huh huh huh huh buh buh buh buh”

To put this delicately, FUCK THIS GUY HOLY SHIT IT IS THE WORST. Looks kind of frail and tiny, right? NO. THESE ASSHOLES ARE LIKE, 6 FEET TALL AND DEADLIFT 3x THEIR BODY WEIGHT. YOU SEE THAT BAG ON THEIR SHOULDERS? THEY’RE FILLED WITH BODIES, AND THEY LITERALLY KARATE CHOP YOU AND SLAM THAT BODY BAG INTO YOU FOR MAXIMUM CRUSHAGE.

To reinforce horror, just looking at them and seeing them around the corner is enough for one to just turn the other direction. When you first get ambushed by one of them, which will actually murder you cause these things don’t have manners and like to turn anything that’s cute into a pancake, the will take you back into their little hideout, which is actually a rundown prison, and it is hands down the worst section of the game because you’re actually helpless, you know, like how good horror games make you feel like.

Back to enemy design, this enemy is one of many that invokes a feeling of defeat in you, which means that someone is doing something right in their game studio.

Rate: 8/10

The Music:

What you’ll notice in this game is that there is actually hardly any music, except for boss battles. This gives the game a lot more atmosphere. For example, in most areas, you would just hear nothing except the soft ambience of the city you’re in, slowly dying, moaning, with its inhabitants suffering. At some parts you hear people moaning and dying, while other parts you can hear a baby crying (PART OF THE STORY) and chains rattling. The lack of music shows that there’s an actual world around you, breathing and alive, but when the music comes, shit goes down and everything is real intense because the music is awesome.

For example, here’s a boss theme: The Cleric Beast

Notice how it has very intense string sections and a choir? It sounds very old-timey, but yet, it seems to capture the feeling of what the entire game and battle is about. It’s very old-fashioned but seems to evoke the feeling that you’re actually inside the world of Yharnem, a decaying Victorian city.

Rate: 9/10

Conclusion:

I love this game, and a lot of its charm comes from not the gameplay, but the world that the creators have set up for you. Little hints here and there showcase the story and immerse you into the vast city and its haunting underground filled with friends and foes and assholes with huge crossbows (This is awful). When I first played this game, I actually played it for eight hours straight without realizing how much time passed. Actually, one time I was playing this in the dark and my dad walked into my room and said, “BOO” and I almost broke a controller. It’s the little things in this game that bring this world to life and quickly pulls you in to assume the role of that one guy versus the world. Everything gave off a feeling of pure creativity and I listen to the music when I go on jogs, because it motivates me, because choirs do that somehow.

Rate: 9/10.

The Annoyance Test:

There’s this one part called the Nightmare of Mensis where you pretty much waltz around doing whatever and because you’re too shy and don’t like being looked at, getting seen by this window and a cutie with a bunch of eyeballs will literally kill you. This shit is the worst and made me scream so hard that I anger ate and gained 2 pounds.

Rate: 10/10