Review: Bananas

Preface:

Let me just get this out. I think bananas are the perfect fruit. They’re almost like cheating when it comes to actual fruits, which is actually saying something. Yellow, simple, slightly gross because of its little stringy fibers that no one likes, the banana provides insight into a world full of potassium that all of us can enjoy and love. So today, I’ll be trying to review it based on its utility and overall taste.

Utility:

What…what is a banana? What makes it unique? Where does it come from? Well, very invested and inquisitive figment of imagination I made up for the purpose of furthering content, this is a banana:

“BUT THAT LOOKS HARD TO EAT??? IT HAS SOME WEIRD YELLOW SHELL THING, HOW CAN YOU POSSIBLY GET INSIDE IT?”

Alas, that is the beauty of it. Many people take the stem (the little elongated part) and rip down, revealing that you can, gasp, peel the banana, with relatively little to no strength required. It’s almost beautiful. You’re not gonna find that garbage with oranges, pears, or apples. For those fruits, you have to WORK to get the skin off. This is practically Nature’s “Screw it, you did a lot, you deserve this.” The banana in of itself is a ridiculously easy fruit, able to be put with nearly any dessert, and chopped in any fashion, plus the whole opening the fruit up thing is a plus.

Cool cool, the packaging is pretty neat, whoever designed it must’ve been a genius. But what about convenience? Why should I like this fruit? First of all, look at it. It’s so goofy. It’s just a long piece of potassium. I’d eat it. Second, look how convenient it is. Notice how its design is almost meant for gripping with a hand, and with its relatively non cumbersome size, it can fit in any pocket or any space with relative ease (Don’t think it you sick bastard. This review is child friendly).

The only relatively hard thing about bananas is the means of acquiring them.

Dis is tree

You probably don’t work for a banana gathering firm (WHICH I BELIEVE EXCLUSIVELY COMPLETELY EXISTS), but it must be a complete pain to reach up there near the alien parasite looking flower and grab them in bunches. But the banana says, “Nah man, you’re already trying this hard to get me, i’ll just make it easier” to which it then provides itself in abundance and in bunches.
What a swell guy. It makes supplying the fruits easy to DOLE out. The banana industry is actually fascinating, you should Chiquita it out. I’ll stop now.

Rate 7/10.

The Taste:

Personally, I think bananas are great. They’re a nice balance between being acidic and not acidic (LOOKING AT YOU STRAWBERRIES.)

Actually, let me digress for a second. I am totally not a fan of strawberries. Honestly? I think they’re gross. They’re watery and have this weird bland/sharp acidic taste and burn the ever loving hell out of my throat. They’re also like, so needy. The stem is edible but tastes like ass, so you have to manually remove it, and that’s ANOTHER inconvenience in life, also, have you ever seen a seedless strawberry? That stuff is nightmares.

THIS MAKES ME SLIGHTLY UNCOMFORTABLE.

My crippling trypophobia aside, have YOU EVER SEEN A STRAWBERRY GROW?

DOUSE IT IN HOLY WATER.

Bananas like to only be gross by having a relatively short lifespan by growing a bunch of brown spots when you blink. Like, they will not hesitate to become mushy. Nonetheless, they have a slightly terrible taste when you leave them out for a while, they start to taste alcoholic, like they’re practically FERMENTING. Gross stuff, but while they’re in their prime, they taste delicious, unless you’re eating them while they’re still green and they’re all hard and gross and yuck.

Rate: 6/10

Conclusion:

I like bananas, and I definitely hate strawberries. The banana provides plenty of things that many other fruits don’t. You want to get the ENTIRE skinned fruit with pretty much less than 4 motions? The banana provides. You want a lot of potassium after a workout? The banana provides. You want to impress your friends with how lame your jokes are by pretending the banana is a gun/phone? THE BANANA PROVIDES. The only downside is that they completely suck to harvest. So, godspeed and eat a lot. Also, fun fact, eating 30 in less than a minute will kill you due to potassium overload. Isn’t it nice that you’re not safe from anything?

Rate: 7/10

The Annoyance Test:

Ok…ok the banana isn’t that bad I just took a bite and OH M GOD WHAT IS THAT FEELING EW WHAT KIND OF SNAKE IS IN MY MOUTH I CAN’T BELIEVE IT IS A

oh it’s one of those gross little fibers…..

 

Ew.

Rate: 6/10

 

Review: Sleeping in Class

Preface:

You’ve been there before, she’s been there, he’s been there. Sleeping in class? Everyone does it. It’s perfectly natural too, a simple layman in college could spend his nights doing whoever knows what, leaving small increments of time to dedicate to sleeping. (I for one have stayed up until 5 working on an essay that wouldn’t even count.) Even right now, my friend to the left of me is slowly dozing off. So how is this concept? What are its implications? What does it accomplish? How do you do it? Let’s figure it out and give some helpful hints.

The Technique:

For an average lecture hall, you will most likely be sitting in a chair with a slight incline, if not, less. I think we can classify sleeping positions in three different ways. So I’ll bring my friend Mr. StockPhotos along to depict them. Go and show them, Mr. StockPhotos!

So over here Mr. Businessmanthing is obviously tuckered out by a very long meeting he had with corporate mumbo jumbo Dow Jones stock thing. He’s sleeping, but which way is the best, and why? We’ll break this down.

The Zen Mode:

Notice the neck arched back, the hands on the arms of the chairs, seems to be blissful, right? Incorrect. His neck slowly arching back only limits he windpipes, giving him more effort to even breathe. He’ll snore, he’ll be obvious, he’ll be fired. You can’t do this in an office or even a classroom. It’s simply too obvious, all the professor/leader has to do is stare across the room and find out the one person whos’ eyes are rolling to the back of their heads.

Rate: 3/10

The Blob:

Look man, we get it. Sometimes you party a lot, sometimes you studied a lot. But you cannot fall asleep like this. It’s just plan disrespectful, so disrespectful that you’re not even giving the authority any bit of good posture. That’s a good point to talk about. Posture, look at his back. His spine must be TERRIBLE at the end of his nap. If anything, this is much more obvious than the zen mode pose. Also, look at his neck position, just leaning against the shoulder, neck vulnerable. YOU CAN’T JUST LEAVE YOUR NECK OPEN LIKE THAT, YOU’RE SUBJECT TO VAMPIRES, BEES, AND OTHER PREDATORS. He’ll wake up with either a complete lack of neck, or an aching pain that will last for about two days.

Rate: 2/10.

The Tuckered Out One:

This. This is the perfect form that solves all the problems of the previous two. Not only does the head on the hand represent boredom, but that works as a double whammy because people may not see that you’re sleeping, but they’ll definitely see you’re bored. You have COVER now, an ALIBI. He isn’t slouched back all the way, minimizing spinal impact, and his head isn’t over the top of the chair like a fool. Plus, added bonus, his neck is protected relatively compared to the blob. The other two you can’t escape being made fun of by the professor if you’re caught sleeping, but this one, at least you look good doing it.

Rate: 8/10.

The Results:

You’re sleeping, you’re blacked out, you’re tired. Either way, you’re not going to absorb any information, and this is by far the only downside besides a hit to social standing if you’re in the business world. Otherwise, you will have the absolute best nap of your life. You can go to bed, sleep, but it won’t even be half as good as waking up from a nap in class. I don’t know why, but my theory is that your sleeping can be sign of rebellion, to which your only response is “hell yeah!” That being said, missing on stuff sucks SO much more since you need to scramble around to find out the missing puzzle pieces of your life.

Rate: 5/10

Conclusion:

Sleeping in class is a great way to get sleep, but a terrible way to get information. You will feel great at the end, but honestly, all in all, it’s not worth it. Stay in class, stay awake, don’t die, absorb as much stuff as you can before you go home to 6 canisters of instant ramen. There are plenty of ways to do it as well, but I highly suggest the last posture I talked about, simply because it has the least social and physical impact on you if you are caught. I think you’re a lot better off just holding off on sleeping and appreciating it much more when you get back to your hard spring filled bed. I’m super salty about college at the moment.

RATE: 4/10

The Annoyance Test:

“OH YOU THERE”

“snort, huh? what?”

“SO YOU WERE SLEEPING IN MY CLASS?”

“Uhh, no professor, of course not!!”

“THEN WHAT IS THE ANSWER TO THIS PROBLEM?”

“What, I don’t know?”

“MAYBE YOU SHOULDN’T SLEEP IN CLASS, EVERYONE POINT AT HIM AND LAUGH.”

*Cue everyone laughing*

Rate: 10/10.

Review: The iClicker

Preface:

If you’ve been to college, you know that there’s a bunch of stupid little surcharges that can easily amount to a pretty sizable hole in your bank account. Textbooks can cost more than $100, food on campus can sometimes be ridiculous, but by far the most irrational item I have ever been forced to purchase was the Clicker series of items. This device is predominantly used to collect polls and survey answers in a mass population size easily while also being used to be basically the digital equivalent of a multiple choice bubble-in test. I hate it. It’s stupid. Ugh. The following review is brought to you by my scathing hate for colleges deciding to be extra.

So What Is It?

Here’s a picture.

How much can it be worth? $25? $30? $15? NO. IT’S $50. I’VE SEEN MORE COMPLEX REMOTES ON A K’NEX MODEL OF A DINOSAUR. This little grey hellspawn is something that allows for the collection of answers in a quicker and streamlined way. This would be much better if classes supplied it, MAYBE. But nope, you have to purchase it for yourself, and essentially resume the process again of buying one, registering it, and crying because of its vestigial practically among other devices that can even be found on your smartphone.

You see those little buttons? A, B, C, D, E, and power? That’s used so you can answer whatever question the professor decides to plop up onto the projector. You press one, you deliver the answer. THAT’S IT. Nothing else. It can’t do calculations, it can’t do functions, it can’t even prepare a simple rice dinner. You just spent $50 on a TV remote with only 5 channels and an off switch. Remember those scantron tests you did in school that you filled in your name, class, and proceeded to go to questions 1-50 by bubbling in the answers (1-150 if your teacher is also one to like to eat puppy souls)? DON’T WORRY, THIS HANDY DANDY SWANKY PLANKY DEVICE GETS RID OF THAT. GO GREEN.

It’s amazing to me how the older generation tells the younger generation that we rely on technology too much, yet they profit off of us, but that’s just me.

I tried my hardest to try to rationalize this device. Maybe they want to save the Earth by getting rid of paperback tests… So they keep producing more plastic devices to become obsolete the next year, you know, like an iPhone or something.

Maybe iClickers try to promote convenience?

You’re just getting rid of a paper and pencil, simple college student essentials. You’re not reinventing the wheel here bud.

Overall: 1/10.

How often do you use them?

Maybe once a week if I’m lucky.

Rate: 1/10

Convenience?

It’s like, OK. Not necessary, kinda stupid. I spent money on this.

Rate: 3/10.

Suggestions?

EVER HEARD OF KAHOOT? LITERALLY THE SAME PRINCIPLE BUT CHEAPER FOR EVERYONE BECAUSE IT’S FREE. CATERS TO ANY AUDIENCE, ANSWERS ANY QUESTION, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

Conclusion:

All in all, this was more so a rant than a review, which is arguably the same thing, but I absolutely despise this device. I’m using it right now in class and I can safely question all aspects of my life in which something went wrong that lead me to be using this device. It’s a capitalistic tool meant to get money from students from the smallest way. It promotes convenience, but hardly. It does the job I guess. But overall it’s just an extra charge for something unnecessary. Makes me antsy just thinking about it

Rate: 4/10

The Annoyance Test:

OH THIS CLASS NEEDS AN ICLICKER, BUT A DIFFERENT ONE? OK, COOL. AWESOME. GREAT. WHATEVER.

Rate: 10/10.