Review: The Piano

Preface:

So as a cultured individual of society, for the past 13 years, I have dabbled in the musical arts of smashing my fingers on pieces of wood to make sounds reminiscent of screaming. The preferred choice of instrument, would be the piano. This large piece of wood was invented during the advent of the 1700’s (date unsure according to Wikipedia), and its legacy surely hasn’t been forgotten, immortalized by people trying to look really cool being able to play Fireflies by Owl City. This Grandiose(AHAHHAHAHA) instrument was invented by Bartolomeo Cristofori and its design essentially boils down to hitting a wooden plank, which hits a hammer, which hits a string. This in turn, helps adjust sound volume and makes for a quick and easy device to like, vent your feelings or something. In case you’re still confused, here’s a diagram that I pulled from Wikipedia.

Also known as the Armenian Crossbow

Since I can safely say I am an in-progress expert on the C-scale, I decided to put it through some little critiques of mine just to see how it is in its entirety.

The Look and Design:

Relatively, nearly 99% of all instruments were designed so that they can be played anywhere, anytime. Look at the violin for example:

I know I used a stock photo BUT OH MY GOD LOOK AT THIS GUY AHAHHA, THE PICTURE IS CALLED STOCK-PHOTO-YOUNG-ELEGANT. HE LOOKS LIKE A TOOL HA.

 

That guy is just standing up, doing his thing, playing, looking young and elegant, or something. While on the flip-side, the piano pulls out all stops and isn’t afraid to show you what it’s capable of and how much of a behemoth of an instrument it is.

Yamaholy hell it’s huge.

Given, you have tinier pianos that are more condensed and are meant to be moved and placed against a wall, but even so, they aren’t designed for maximum mobility, but just look at the thing. It’s so sleek, so clean, and if you have never seen one before, you would think it is some torture device: The true hallmark of a great looking instrument. Notice how the lid looks like some mouth and is open like that monster piano from Super Mario 64? That’s for the acoustics. This instrument is designed so that if you’re playing, you better be committed because someone is bound to hear how many mistakes you can do from playing the song Chopsticks. Inside, you would find millions (there’s gotta be like, at least 4) strings in there connected to large mallet looking things that slam other strings. It looks super cool when you watch someone play it, and it definitely gives off the impression that this is a super complex instrument.

Its eighty-eight black and white keys may look daunting to the newcomer, but with its large amount of keys, comes a large range of sounds you can produce.

Meaning that whenever you play a song, you have that one ass friend who thinks he’s funny by pressing random notes really high on the right of the keyboard but no one’s laughing and he’ll stop.

Rate: 8/10, not gonna lie, violins look pretty cool too.

The Playing:

You ever just look at your hands and go, “WOAH. THIS IS SO COOL, I CAN MOVE MY FINGERS AT WILL.” I have; it’s freaky. Now take that same amazement, and imagine going one step further and trying to master the will of both of your hands to slam things in coordination. As difficult as that may sound, it’s really not bad. Like most things in life, to get better at it, you just have to set your mind to it and practice. Luckily, it is a super easy instrument to start out with, since it essentially teaches you all the musical basics and how that applies to every other instrument, plus you can totally brag to your friends about how you can play a string and percussion instrument (when asked, don’t respond, just look away haughtily and laugh).

The drawback is that although the piano has plenty of notes and ranges, you still can’t get specific pitch, as each key is locked to a certain note, unlike literally anything that is a stringed instrument, which gives complete freedom to the user. (BUT ALSO LEAVES MORE ROOM TO SOUND AWFUL, DON’T BE FOOLED.)

Once you get started, with practice and more practice, playing difficult songs slowly gets easier and eventually you look awesome while smacking things and jumping across the keyboard.

As an added bonus, you also learn one clef more than the average everyone else not playing the piano, whether it be the treble or bass clef.

This, this is sexy.

Also, don’t play simple songs like Happy Birthday or Hot Cross Buns, everyone knows it and you come off as a doof.

Rate: 9/10, super simple, super clean.

So what songs can I play to look cool in front of others?

Alright get ready for a sample list of songs that’ll make you 2 points more attractive:

• Etude in C Minor – Chopin
• River Flows in You – Yiruma
• Anything from Attack on Titan
• Heart and Soul – Hoagy Carmichael (I have never heard of this guy.)
• The Moonlight Sonata, Third Movement – Beethoven
• Canon in D – Pachelbel, or the variation by George Winston
• Literally anything Korean will prove useful down the road.
• Video Game and Anime music are actually tailored to attract people to pay attention for long periods of time. Get on that.
• Don’t play Fireflies by Owl City unless you want to be known as That Guy.

Conclusion:

I think the Piano is a great introduction to the art of music. Its simplicity and ease-of-usage proves to be an excellent gateway that becomes easy to learn as well as easy to master. Naturally, this all depends on how much effort you’re willing to put in it. You’ll look cool if you can play things right, and it also proves to be a nice introduction to other instruments if you understand everything behind the scenes, music theory and all, because it teaches SO much for just one simple instrument.

Rate: 9/10

You see that cute girl? Play River Flows in You. If she knows it and doesn’t go “OH MY GOD I LOVE THIS SONG”, abort and immediately evacuate the facilities, that person is most likely better and will prove no hesitation in trying to one-up you.

The Annoyance Test:

1. Play any song beautifully.
2. See friend out of corner of your eye.
3. No.
4. No No NO.
5. He/She starts smashing the super high keys on the right.

Rate: 10/10